FEAR

   I sit here on the backside of another day here in Sierra Leone, after working during the early shift at the Ebola treatment center.  I enjoy the sunlight, which here at this time of year lasts until close to 7 pm.  The harmattan season has been nice here in Sierra Leone to bring refreshing breezes and cool weather at night, making the night shift almost cold at times in the medical tent.  A jacket is advisable, that is for sure.  And I contemplate that emotion called Fear.  
   I think that I will capitalize it during this blog, because Fear is a hard taskmaster.  It is like a many headed monster that once you get one part beaten down, another rears its head and attacks with just as much ferocity.  I am guessing a bit like fighting an octopus, or playing that video game where you bop things on the head with hammers....Fear will change behavior and inhibit a person.  The Bible talks about ‘Perfect love casts out fear’ and yet we struggle with it in our lives over and over.  We tend to fear the unknown, or fear what we do not understand, or even in cases of those with panic disorder, fear Fear itself.  None of us are immune to Fear.  Right now, in America, people are very fearful of the Ebola Virus, even though only 4 Americans have been infected, and only 1, a Liberian with US citizenship, has died.  It is natural for Americans to fear a disease that seems to be hard or impossible to control, and so many laws have been put into place by fearful people, trying to control that Fear.  But in coming to Africa, I felt that I was somewhat immune to that myself.  My familiarity with Sierra Leone and West Africa might allow me to skip some of the elements of fear that would normally beset a newcomer..

  But welcome to the real world.  I found that traveling throughout Sierra Leone actually made me feel more secure, because it seemed as if people were going about life as normal.  People on the streets, hawking their wares, Okada (motorcycle) drivers still driving insanely, and shops and markets continuing to sell.  So, I was quite surprised at several of the fears that I had, as I worked at the Ebola Treatment Center.  The first time back on the ‘hot’ side of an Ebola treatment center, even though my involvement was limited, I could feel the fear creeping up into my throat.  How will I survive?  Or will I even pass out, not being able to breathe, protected by a full body suit, goggles, and apron, and no exposed skin anywhere?  The fear was palpable, a presence that threatened to strangle, even to throttle you.

  A different type of Fear for me here this time is an insane worry about every little symptom, something that often goes completely ignored in another context.  I don’t worry about symptoms of my body, particularly in America, but here I go down through my mental checklist of what is normal, and what is not normal with Ebola.   It is common to get loose stools in this environment with different foods, but now, “Is this the first sign of Ebola?” Or waking up at night sweating on a hot night, and wondering, “Was that from a fever?” Or a bit of dizziness--is that the first sign of illness?  Even though none of these things are rational thoughts, there they are, particularly in the middle of the night, when all fears seem to be worse.  Or for the first couple of days, due to decreased coffee intake (2 early cups only per day), I started with headaches in the afternoon.  Well, headache is a symptom that we ask every day in the clinic of each patient, “Yu ed, de at?”  (your head, does it hurt?), and so is that an early symptom.  So, another worry..

   As with all irrational fears, it doesn’t help to use reason, because they are of course irrational.  So reasoning will not help to quell the anxiety that you feel, or the tightening of your throat muscles.  But time and experience do help.  I know now how protective the suit is of any virus getting through.  And I know that there have been no cases of illness after 4 months of work in Liberia and Sierra Leone in the staff of IMC.  And it does help to calm things down, to rest, to sleep…”He leadeth me beside the still water”.  I don’t think God wants us to worry, but he also brings peace.  He doesn’t deliberately lead us to the areas that are very troubling.  He is able to quiet us down, even if the circumstances are not quieting.  So, God becomes the stabilizer, the Rock, or the Anchor to which we hold.  Thanks be to God..